‘Where’s the part I?’ or ‘Wow, she got a new theme’ either one of these would probably be the first thing you wonder when you read the title. Well, part I was what you can call…confidential, so, you’ll only be getting this. It featured too much cursing anyways. As for the theme, I’ve been wanting to change it into a different kind of vibe for a long time but I was attached to the old one, then one day, well, today, I just thought, to the hell with it.
Before I start, there’s a poem I’d like to share with you. I don’t usually share personal things like poems but I just find myself writing a lot these days. I was about to type them out but that would be hypocritical of me since the poem talks about handwritings. You’ll know what I mean. In advance, apologies for my unreadable handwriting.
PS: You’re not supposed to spell handwriting with an s.
I’m not going to make an epic analysis on what it is about, that’s not the point of this post, actually I’m just dumbfounded as to how I’m supposed to start this post. Fun fact, the last time I wrote so many poems I was probably 13. Most of them don’t make sense, but my hands itch to write things that rhyme and sound sophisticated. I don’t write beautiful things, I’m not an aspiring poem writer or whatever. Well, time passed, then I just didn’t write anymore. Then a few weeks ago I wrote a couple out of the blue. It became my remedy. I had a few remedies lately. I’ll get to that.
By the way, happy new year, guys, can you believe it’s two months into 2018 already? Me neither. I don’t want to say ‘oh wow time sure flies fast’ because that’s a fact we have all been known. My reaction to this fact is sort of like talking to the wall and staring blankly at it like, ‘huh’.
Anyway, this post has been way long overdue. Let me just shorten things out:
- Last December my semester break ended, college was starting again.
- Last December I also went on a 2-week Europe trip with my family.
- Last December I did not just leave the country, I left everybody.
- Last January I got back, missed 2 weeks worth of classes as you can already guess.
- Last January I had to sit through exams for 3 weeks.
- Last January I was happy.
- Last February I started writing poems again.
- Last February I cried everyday and everywhere.
- Last February I thought I needed to see a therapist.
- Oh look, it’s March, hey March.
New Year resolutions are not my forte. It used to be back when I was fourteen but as the years go by I realized each list I made started and ended with blank boxes, there was just simply no point. I think you should start fresh when you actually feel like starting fresh. Not that there is anything wrong with new year resolutions, or people who have quotes like “No Pain No Gain” as their wallpaper. They are good motivations, but for me, it’s the kind of push that doesn’t really do anything for me. I need a shove, or even more than a shove really like a punch in the face.
How has the new year been going for you? I wish it’s going well. For me, well, I have recapped the whole thing for you already. So, you get the gist of how it is. I actually was going to make my first post of 2018 two weeks ago, it’s not supposed to be this one but I was not in a good place at the time. I made this whole lengthy explanation including a detailed timeline of why I haven’t had the time to write and how bothered I am with the-fact-that-this-world-sucks-and-life-is-temporary-so-nothing-really-matters-so-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here that I’ve just become so miserable. Reading it again I am both thankful and intrigued by the fact I managed to be intelligent enough to not click that ‘Publish…’ button.
Let’s go through the list one by one, firstly, regarding the Europe trip I went on last December, that would make such a great blog post, won’t it? It was all I could think about even before I left, what to use to take great pictures, the outfits, what pictures I should take and reminding myself to write down notes every single day on what happened so that I could write about it. However, if you read my recap, you would also notice I had exams for 3 weeks after I got back, so I haven’t had the time to properly write about it. I will though, I will, I will.
Although, examinations were not the only thing that kept me from writing about that trip. Now we move on to the second point, I said ‘I didn’t just leave the country’ and that I also ‘left everybody’. What I meant was that I (not literally) dropped a bomb and left before it would blow up. Saving myself and sacrificing everyone else. Selfish, I know. What happened was I gave away both my positions to other people. I didn’t even do it properly, I kind of just left one day. I talked to those that needed to be talked to and that was it. They didn’t even have the time to talk me out of it because by then I would be away for 2 weeks and things need to get started. So, I made my exit and they let me be.
I didn’t even have the time to feel sorry, by the time I was just jumping from one country to another. It was heaven.
When I got back, it’s literally plummeting back down to reality. Was my burden lifted? Very. Though my ‘I-do-not-care’ act doesn’t last long because sooner than that I can’t look at the girl who took my position without thinking that I gave up and put all the weight on her shoulders seeing how miserable she was knowing I couldn’t take back what I did.
I also couldn’t look at my own best friend whom I took to the battlefield knowing I abandoned her when she didn’t want to be there when we first got there together. I couldn’t walk without having my head facing the floor in fear of meeting with anyone I should meet but preventing myself from doing so.
My 2 weeks of paradise was waiting for me to pay the bills, obviously. They’re not cheap.
Then came the breakdown aka bullet point number 7 to 9. I’d like to get into the details, but it’s just a normal breakdown. Though, after a week of crying incoherently at any time of the day wherever I was, here’s an interesting observation I made: you can cry in a crowded room and no one would notice. Like open crying, tears running down your face and all that. The only rule is that you don’t make any sobbing sound. I was just plain miserable. My friend doesn’t say anything sometimes, she’s the only one who notices and just hand me a tissue. The first draft contained all the details of the said breakdown, hence you can understand why I can’t publish it.
Now, let’s get to the remedy part I talked about earlier.
REMEDY I: MUSIC
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think everyone thinks their own taste in music is the best. Though honestly, I have such good taste in music…See? So, how was music my remedy? It’s no figure that music is one of the best things there is to stabilize your emotions but at one point, I started going to class with earphones, maybe it was normal for some of you, but for me, no.
I would wear it to class, during class and literally the whole day without taking it off. I turn the music off when class starts and as soon as it ends I turn it on again. Nobody spoke to me, that week the headlights on my forehead just screams ‘Stay Away’. They obliged. Most of the time when I’m walking with them, I don’t even realize that I’m already a couple of feet away from my friends. I was just trying to disconnect myself and really try to keep my social life to a minimum.
The only words that came out of my lips were vowels, ‘uh’, ‘ha’, ‘oh’. I was also listening to very depressing music, so depressing that even my friend who romanticises fictional stories regarding cancer and goes to bed reading stuff that normal me would probably throw in the trash for being so sappy says herself that it was just too sad for her to hear ‘like gosh Alison what is wrong with you? This song makes me feel like I had 10 cats and all of them died at once’. Well, she didn’t exactly say that but yeah.
So, sometime around that week which featured Remedy I, I had to present something in front of the class and I usually do fine but I sounded so dead that everyone looked me as if a cat was dying in front of them. Even I was shocked over how lifeless I sounded. Also, I had the wires of my earphones hanging out without it being connected to anything but just my ears.
The truth was I wasn’t trying to block anyone out, if it is anything, I was more or less trying to block me out. The thoughts I have more specifically. This is depressing, let’s move on.
REMEDY II: POEMS
A week later, I was just writing poems. Period.
If you walk pass by me, you would think I’m aggressively texting somebody with rage but I’m just adding more notes on my phone. Writing poems is not easy neither is it hard. It’s natural. It comes when it does and after that, it just goes. Sometimes I write, sometimes I don’t. It’s like having to pee, you pee when you have to, and if you don’t, you just don’t. You can’t force it out of you unless you drink like a massive amount of water. For an instance like me, I went for months and months without writing but then one day I can miraculously write 5 poems in a day. They’re not good, I think. They’re ok.
I already shared one with you, what do you think?
I mean I like reading inspiring quotes online, or sayings and nice lyrics. Lang Leav is good but there’s something that irks me about the fact that they’re not mine, it’s just me honestly. So, whenever I feel things, I like to put it into my own words, I think that’s the meaning of the poem (is it? a poem? I don’t know, I’m not a poet, lol).
Ok, don’t criticise me, let’s continue.
REMEDY III: BOOKS
I’ve been going for a long time without reading, and even when I do I have preferences. Like sometimes, I’m into the whole sappy romance cliche drama so I buy books like that. Though books like that are like milk, you can only drink so much of it before you get sick, and then I’m more into things that aren’t too sappy, though good ones are very hard to find. Sometimes I’m into action and sometimes sci-fi, I’m open to anything really, what matters to me the way the story is being told, so the writer plays a huge role.
After my writing period ended with my last poem which sounded like, “The words sometimes flow like the river, Other times like a fish without water,” It felt like shaking forward an empty pen, there was nothing left in me to write. So I started reading again, which apparently, in this age is such a pain in the ass since books are so expensive than they used to be, then again, isn’t anything else as well?
I spent a good amount of time scrolling through Goodreads and Kirkus Reviews to pile up my list of ‘Books I Should Buy’ to find out that I am inevitably getting older and John Green isn’t any more capable of entertaining me like he used to. Though, I do like his Youtube channel, CrashCourse. At the same time that I wasn’t anymore into my usual young adult cliche fiction, I was also not ready to venture to adulthood where fictional books are serious and I-don’t-get-a-word not that I’m stupid to comprehend them, I’d probably be already half-asleep already to understand them (If you do have recommendations, don’t be scared to leave a comment).
So I ended up buying some usual young adult fiction with twist and drama and I have one more left to read. The first I bought was called One of Us Is Lying, it was an eh for me, not really what I was looking for at the time. The second was Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, so this book, I bought because I watched the movie, and I loved it, I loved it because it’s so unrealistically realistic whatever that is supposed to mean. It is said to be a not-romanticised version of The Fault In Our Stars but honestly, TFIOS was so overrated. This was just as real as it can get. I recommend you to read it as long as you’re heartless as I am.
The last book would be A List of Cages, which I am pretty excited to read, hence, I’ll just go read that now.
REMEDY IV: MOVIES
I just noticed that I placed these in the wrong order, this remedy should’ve been second, or first really, not fourth. Anyways, I’m so, so, so much into movies lately. I’m not kidding like I’m literally movie geek level of being SO into movies. It’s not ‘oh I’m watchin’ a lot of Marvel movies and I’m soo into watching movies’ like Marvel is good, no offense but with the Oscars coming up, I just started watching around seeing how these movies are award-winning and I am blown away. I love movies. I love it.
That’s pretty much all that I can say about it.
Remedies, honestly these are just distractions. At least they make me feel okay again.
By now you’re probably thinking,
‘oh wow, this is her big life problem? what an overreaction like there are people dying oh my god why did I even bother reading this’
Or on the other hand you’re very supportive of me and all like ‘she’s still growing, her feelings are valid, she’ll learn soon’.
The thing is, I hope you do notice that I mostly shared on what I do to feel better, I did not mention bullet point 7 to 9. If you have been around here for a long time, you would remember from a certain post that I don’t want to share any depressing post. There was only one time I broke this rule.
Truth is, or should I say, obviously, life is complicated. You just learn something new every time. Even when you do you just keep on making mistakes. Though trust me, I haven’t even told you half of the story of what happened. I don’t think I will. It’s one of those kinds of experiences and fears that you just need to go on your own to understand.
Okay, that’s it, catch ya later.
PS: REMEDY V: WRITING A BLOG.