Falling Into Place

It’s almost the end of another year, I wonder how life has placed itself together for you at the moment. As for me, I’m currently studying on drugs, or to sound more sophisticated, pharmacology. It makes me wonder a lot about all of the times in my life where I would swallow up pills without knowing a thing. Actually, drug interactions in your body is a very crucial thing and it’s also important to note that we are genetically different and it may affect the drug responses, so you should really get your genes checked out. You also only have to do it once in a lifetime since your genes don’t really change. It’s like getting a custom-made outfit, instead, you’ll get a personal genetically-tailored medicine made just for you.

Sounds exclusive, right? You see, as humans, even at substrate-level, we are all already so different. What makes us so special is our capability to understand and compromise, even with all these differences. Like you and me, generally speaking, maybe we have different names, different body shapes and different faces, which are unique to our own selves. Then you dig a little further, we even have different experiences, different perspectives, and different choices. In addition to that, we all happen to also have different fates. So as I asked earlier, I wonder how life has placed itself together for you at the moment? Are you at peace? Or is it hectic? Like everything is falling apart? Or does it feel like pieces falling into place? Like everything finally makes sense?

I would like to announce that I’m officially a university student, but before anything else, I’d like to take a short stroll down memory lane with you of when I was in boarding school. At that time specifically, being a teenager and all, I always felt like I was getting dragged around by an invisible force, trudging through the woods and crowds of people, unable to see what’s in front and just letting myself go wherever it is that, I guess, life is leading me to go. I make decisions, but somehow the outcome isn’t exactly what I anticipated it to be. Throughout it all, I just keep thinking is ‘how did I end up here?‘. Writing this blog was one of the reasons why I managed to stay sane. It’s an open platform with its limits. So I’m always on guard to prevent myself from letting any barriers down.

In boarding school, being surrounded by people with a million different dreams, I had mine too. So we lay it out on paper, the time, the process, the outcome. Schedules, planners, reminders, it seems like we have it all planned out but the truth is we never really do. The outcome of every day is a package of surprise in front of our door each time the day ends whether we expect it or not. We just become so used to it that we just go through the days of our lives without realising it. However, looking back at the time, we were just little kids building legos of hope and painting our innocence in colour books with anticipation and high expectation of the world. Amongst it all, I know deep down we were all growing up, fighting our own demons in silence. Mine being: indecisiveness. My incapability of understanding my purpose in this world and what I’m meant to do.

So I finish high school and go off into the world blindly. Then at a certain point, sometimes something happens and it sort of acts like a trigger, it makes you stop and you look back to every single little moment in the past that you never thought then, would lead up to what’s currently happening. Sometimes the bigger picture looks a lot like fate, it could be a coincidence, and it may even look like a curse. Your life is like a giant spider web-chain and you can keep up with it but at some point, you just go over the details and as long as it’s not broken, it looks okay then it’s okay. Then moments like this come by and you think, oh how did this get tangled up here? That’s possible? How ironic? So you track it down again to where you left it off and you see how it interconnects, in the end, all you can say is, well I didn’t expect that to happen.

Sort of like how I never expected to become a medical student in a university I never expected to step a foot on, meeting people I never expected to meet, how I never expected all the things I’ve done would ever lead up to this, but somehow it all feels like it fits. Like it’s meant to be. Like pieces falling into place.

So here’s something that I learn; not everything is going to make sense at the moment. Life doesn’t always introduce you to the people you want to meet, or the people you wished who would stay, the experiences you never thought you would have. Things you did not expect to occur may happen as well as those you may even expect. Yet nothing is by coincidence, not even a raindrop. But all that happened is to create you as you are now and in the future, it’s up to you whether it is to become better or worse. So here’s something that I keep reminding myself these days: You may not understand today or tomorrow but eventually, God will show you why you went through what you did.

That’s qadr. It’s a beautiful thing to understand qadr; whatever happens, it happened for the best.

PS: I hope life feels like falling into place for you.

PSS: Next post is about med school (and how it’s taking a toll on me)!!

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An Unlikely Friend.

I’m in a love-hate relationship with failure. Are you?

To put it simply, I have an intense dislike towards examinations, tests, anything that restricts and limits. For an instance, you can draw however you like in the four walls of your bedroom but when it’s in an examination, there’s always something wrong with it, something missing from it, as if success already has a shape. And when success has a form of itself, it becomes very easy to know what failure looks like along the way. And I, have become all too familiar with what that looks like.

It’s not really far-fetched for me to say that I hate failing. Everyone hates the thought of being a failure especially after all the hard work and effort you exert towards something yet it still didn’t work out. However, when I say that I ‘hate’ failing. It’s not just the numbers, grades, every single display that screams ‘you’re such a failure’, maybe the disappointment on the faces of the people I don’t want to disappoint but mostly, who I usually become when I’m consumed by it.

I’ll be honest, I’m a weakling towards failing. I have never been the ‘immediately rise after you fall’ kind of person. Most of the time, people don’t give up within their first failure. But I do. It’s so easy for me to let it go and just say, maybe it’s not meant for me. When I fail, I give up. When I give up, it’s like there’s a drain system in my body and everything that ever make me want to get out of bed and try again, is flushed out. But here’s the thing about hitting rock bottom, there’s only one way left to go.

Up.

Sometime around this time last year, I posted a piece called ‘To be okay with the things you are not okay with’ and I wrote that when I was at a really low point of my life and the last thing I talked about was failing my driving test. This is actually why I decided to write this post, in retribution for fearing that I never succeed. I just got that license. And amongst other things too.

I also finally found out what I really want to do with my life, deep in my heart, even if the future is still unknown, I don’t think I have ever been so sure about anything as much as this. All the sleepless nights, all the clues and hidden messages waiting for me to uncover them. I found it, and I also gracefully landed somewhere that will allow me to pursue that dream. Somewhere I never thought I would be. It was all worth it.

So that’s the thing about failing, I love it because succeeding is not what makes me better. Failing is.

When I fail, I hate how I would act towards it, towards the people around me too but then I love who I eventually come to be after learning from these failures. So it’s not really two different things intersecting, it’s more of a journey. This doesn’t really mean that I’m open to failing in everything that I will do in life, but it does make me look at all the things that have happened to me from a much different and better perspective.

Faith-wise, each time I fail, it makes me much more of a reliant servant towards Him. It’s beautiful and unbelievable how light the burden of the world becomes when you start relying on God. There are a lot of things I wanted last year that I only get just now. Not just in terms of success, but answers too. If there’s anything I want to share with you, it will be a prayer:

“Ya Allah, I place my trust in You. The future remains uncertain; the past remains broken but as for today, I seek Your Guidance. Grant me the strength to face this world. Grant me the strength to keep going.”

I’m not a wisdom-giver but no matter your religion, failing is just the many thorns of a rose we often encounter as humans. Sometimes you’re diligent, and if you’re lucky enough, you can get the rose unharmed. However, if you’re an average human being capable of making even the simplest of mistakes, it’s not a surprise you’ll get a little prick in your finger. Though, it’s still possible for you to try again.

So, here’s to my unlikely friend, failure.

What It’s Like To Be A Malaysian In 2018

It’s like flowers blooming from your chest.

Hibiscus flowers, to be exact. A thing you should know about me, I was born in Malaysia in the year 1999 and all my life, my country had been governed by one of the longest ruling party in the world. However, that changed yesterday. I lived to see history being made as people come together united as a nation come to realize the power they truly have in their hands. In our hands. I may have not been among those who waited out to vote but these votings are important especially to my generation.

When I was younger, I remember telling my grandfather that I wanted to be a lawyer. At 8 years old, I believed he expected me to say something like an astronaut or a doctor, maybe even princess really. Even when I grew older, my dreams didn’t stray far. A year ago I thought of majoring in economics or accountancy, like my mother. This was mostly because I was worried about how the country seemed to be falling apart financially. I want to make a change if I could.

Most of the time, I dream of change, I wish life could become better for everyone and if there are people who selfless enough to make that as their life purpose, I hoped that I could be a part of that. I think that has always been a desire I had deep in my heart no one ever really known. So it happens, it was also a year ago that I come to realize that people are complicated, and I am among them. When you are into politics, you’re willing to face all of that. The dramas, the truths, and untruths. People at their best and their worst. I realize then that the world of politics is not meant for me.

I believe that if you have the kind of power that could make everyone respect and answer you, you should learn to earn that kind of power especially if you’re placed upon it by the trust of the people. My country has learned it the hard way throughout the past decade, what it’s like to live under corruption. Because of this whole facade, I see that I’m no more than just a grain of sand on a beach. I can and will be united but I cannot carry that kind of burden, even if it’s just mentally. Which is why I finally changed the destination on where I’m heading towards the future. I think dealing with viruses and diseases would be far less complicated.

In the last 18 years, I had many opportunities to visit other countries which are far from my own home, I even had the chance to call one of them home for a while. Most of these countries, maybe I don’t know the truth behind their politics but from what’s visible, they seem to rise far above the horizon than my own. Even as a young girl, I often looked at these places with envy and jealousy. Sometimes even wishing I could anchor myself into their soil because I believed it would be better than my own. For many years, I have to admit, it has not been easy to utter the word Malaysian.

It’s different now because the word feels lighter.

I may have not been eligible to be a part of those who made the change, but in a few years time, it will be my turn to make a choice. Hopefully, the right choice too.

Good Morning, Moon.

Happy Anniversary!

It has been exactly one year (and a month and a few weeks) since I created this blog and even though I’ve clearly missed the dateline, I’ve wanted to write about this a long time ago but never got the chance to. Before that, if you happen to be a frequent reader, or if you’re new here, I would like to say thank you for reading.

It’s hard to believe I’ve had this blog for more than a year now, It’s hard to believe time even passed at all really. When I first started this, I couldn’t exactly picture how it was going to turn out or what it was going to be. I keep thinking every morning, ‘What am I going to write about now?’, ‘Does this matter, should I take a picture of this?’ and etc. At the time, I was bored, clueless, with nothing to do, so it seemed like a good idea. Now, it’s honestly one of my most prized possessions.

So, for the 1st anniversary of this blog, I decided to take a trip down to my first ever lengthy post and usually, when you go and look back on your younger self, it’s cringe-worthy. But, reading back on what I wrote a year ago, I just feel content and a little sad but at peace with myself. Here’s my favorite excerpt out of the whole thing I wrote:

I forgot that the bubble that kept me safe from everyone else also made me invisible. After that, I indulged myself more into other people, to the point where they felt like I was clingy or incapable of being by myself. What they didn’t know is that I’ve been so capable of being on my own that I wanted to know what it felt like being cared by someone else.

This first post is honestly one of the most personal things I’ve ever written and in case you missed it out, you can read it here.

Other than that, at some point of your stumble upon this blog, you must have thought-hey, what does ‘Seeing Stars in Daylight’ mean?  Truth is, when I made this blog, I wanted a title that was inspiring and has you could say, elements of me inside of it. It was complicated to make up words on your own and from some Tumblr-esque inspirations, the conclusion I could only come up with is; it should be something that makes sense and doesn’t make sense at the same time.

I happen to be really passionate towards galaxies and constellations and while we’re at it, very nerdy physics and cosmology, those sort of stuff. One thing that stood out to me during this whole brain-rejuvenating period is how sometimes you can see the moon in broad daylight. I still find that very interesting because the moon looks like a template with a transparent background and it looks heavenly with the blue sky behind it.

You can probably tell what it sounded like initially, it was supposed to be ‘seeing the moon in broad daylight’ but that sounds like something you’d hear on Yahoo Answers, exactly not my target destination. I had to alter it a little bit and a tweak bit of this and that and thought hey, you know what else is up there in the sky? Stars! When I pictured the sentence in my head “Seeing Stars In Daylight” It became kind of like a Eureka moment for me. Please don’t compare mine to Archimedes’s.

So there you go, the origins of ‘Seeing Stars In Daylight’. The first-anniversary gift for all of you my friends. You can leave now unless you’re interested in knowing the scientific explanation behind how we can see the moon in broad daylight.

I googled this by the way. Basically, we all know that the moon lights up at night not because it produces light on its own, instead, it reflects the sun’s light hence letting all of humanity not be blinded at night. Thank you, moon. So what really happens when we see the moon during the day? In fact, this is actually the opposite of a rare occurrence because it happens almost every day except for when it’s close to a new moon or is a full moon.

So remember how the moon reflects light from the sun? The moon has its phases so, when it is not perfectly blocked away from the sun and the light is still able to reach it, it reflects the light as usual but because during the day it is on the other side of our planet, it needs to be bright enough so that we can see it during the day. Based on the website I read, it said that I quote, If you’re looking at exactly the right spot with a telescope, you can also see the planets Mercury, Venus, and Jupiter in daylight, plus a few of the brightest stars.

So ‘Seeing Stars In Daylight’ does makes sense.

How awesome is that? I find that awesome. Space is awesome. I don’t know how anyone can be human and not find space to be super awesome.

Not only that, the earth’s rotation also contributes as a factor since, in order for the moon to be observable during the day, it needs to be above the horizon and on average, the moon is above the horizon for 12 hours a day. Also if you understood up until now, you can easily see why there will be no daylight moon during the full moon phase. And that, my friends, is the true story of how I got ‘ Seeing Stars In Daylight’.

I’m kidding, this is a new discovery for me too.

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The Thing About Farewells.

Disclaimer: I’m not a good storyteller.

I don’t particularly like writing about this but it is a story to tell, so here we go. One of the memorable goodbyes I had to ever make in my life was back when I was 15. It wasn’t even to someone important but it certainly was memorable. It was a guy.

Anyways, he had to leave and I guess I was really sad then, heartbroken really. Not to mention the fact that we hadn’t even spoken for awhile so it would be weird for any one of us to suddenly say goodbye when we’ve parted our ways a long time before that. However, I knew it would be much different, I wouldn’t see him across our classes anymore, or during lunchtime, I couldn’t talk to his friends asking about him anymore and I think he knew that too.

The day of his leave, I acted like I didn’t care but I observed him the whole day, meeting people, teachers, and his friends. He was saying his farewell and I wished I was one of them but I wasn’t. Honestly, that was really how it went until the end of school.

Usually, when everyone goes home, I would stay back, because I had extra things to do like debate practice, I was also in this particular school team and some of my teammates were actually, his friends. It wasn’t a surprise since I knew him because of them really, but that’s another story. It was then that I noticed he didn’t leave yet, instead he was at the field, playing basketball. Of course, I thought. His last day with his friends, I thought. So, I didn’t bother and went on with my work.

A few hours later and the sun was setting, I was packing my bags when I noticed all of his friends were gone but he was still there. Weird. As weird as it is I told his friend, my teammate, that I wished I had the chance to say goodbye to him. Idiot, he said. Both of you are idiots, he said. Why do you think he stayed here throughout the whole day? I think he wants to say, for me, but even now, I still don’t think I’m worth staying for.

When I got to where he was, he was sitting alone, probably waiting for his ride, or hopefully, someone to say goodbye, I was about to make my way there on my own but I chickened out and ran the other way. Suddenly, I was tugged backward and dragged all the way to where he was. By his friend. So, I went, because I know that if I didn’t I would regret it and now, all I can still remember is a few exchanges of words, silent hopes from both sides before I took my leave and cried all the way home.

I was so dramatic. I also did give that guy something like a token to remember me by, which he told me a year ago he lost somewhere underneath his bed, I guess we’re cool. I’ve probably alarmed you with the title but I’m not going anywhere, even though I suck at both writing and writing on time.

The truth is the whole idea of saying goodbye is stuck with me now because I recently have just finished my pre-university term and like always, have to part ways with people I have become really close with. Although no dramatic scenes occurred, it also belongs in my collection of the memorable farewells of my life. As someone who has the tendency to become very attached to people, memories, I have adapted myself to the whole life cycle of meeting someone new and saying goodbye to them over and over again. And I’m not just talking about normal goodbyes. I’m talking about permanent goodbyes too.

Though it’s hard to admit, it’s not really a lie that most of the time, we are friends with people because we meet them 8 hours a day for 5 days per week for a whole year. So, it would be an easy task to say farewell. Unfortunately, this time, my permanent goodbye includes someone I care about a lot. A friend.

Think about it, when people in relationships break up, not only do they say ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ but a famous line that is also always being said is ‘We should stay as friends’. But what happens when a friendship sink? What’s the level down for friends? Because I’ve been trying really hard to figure that out. Friends fight, people grow apart that’s fine and sometimes they fall back together. Sort of like puzzle pieces. Which is even more complicated now that I realized our puzzle pieces never fit at all.

Friend breakups suck, even more than actual relationships I think. I’ve been through it more times than I thought, but most of the time it’s alright. Not that we become all buddies and braids each other’s hairs again but we catch up and it’s nice. Only this time around, I don’t know if we would even have the chance anymore. However, when two people who used to be stuck together suddenly walk in separate paths, there suddenly needs to be a story. And as usual, stories include protagonists and antagonists.

I don’t like explaining myself, I don’t think I need to unless their opinion is important to me. However, this habit of mine disadvantageous especially in a time where society is built to know what’s going on with everyone around them. Even before this age of time, humans have always been in love with knowing the story behind everyone, we’re all very curious cats. Because if we don’t know then, we need to connect the dots and sometimes we make up very wrong pictures. Misinterpreted. Misunderstood.

I’ve been misunderstood more times than I could count. And if you ever felt that way, you shouldn’t care as much since you are misunderstood by people who don’t know you as long as you feel understood by the people who do know you.

Though relationships and friendships can be fixed anytime, healing takes time. Which is why apologies only matter when it’s too late.

Sometimes when two people fall out of tracks, be it romantic partners or just friends, it’s not anyone’s faults and the pain and betrayal that comes along with it are all just lessons to be learned. If you’re anything like me, you believe that a lot of good things can come from letting go and if you’re anything like me, you run away from things that would hurt you but your feet would still hurt.

This year I’ve happened to become close to those I’ve never imagined knowing and lost those who I thought would’ve been there for me every step of the way. Life is a funny thing but it is grand like that.

And if you just recently said goodbye to someone, was it permanent or did you immediately text them afterward?

 

My writings of everything.

Though there are many things I could write about, like the fact I’ve just finished my pre-university term and probably be enrolling into university in a few months, or the Europe trip I went on a few months back, or you know, generally what has been going on in my life. I thought of just posting the poems, writings, or whatever you call them, that I’ve written over a couple weeks back.


Leaving First

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Joke // Hypocrite

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Notice (me)

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I thought I had more, well I do, but I don’t want, I just can’t, well I can but I don’t want to, just, this is all that I have to post, I’m so disappointing.

Until next time! I promise this time it’s soon.

 

Of Friendships and Heartstrings

All my life, the friends I had, were never really my friends. Ever since I was little, I never believed in bullies. I thought movies were over-exaggerated. I didn’t think bullies ever existed, I never come across them. I just realized now I was friends with them.

When I was 5, I can still remember my friends and I were playing together as if we were in a power rangers movie. Sometime later they told me I have to make it seem as if a snake slip into my nose. They said I’m playing the bad guy. So I took a rope and put it into my nose, ‘more’ they said, the more I slip it in. Soon enough teachers came in and grabbed my hand. I could’ve choked. I was stupid while they laughed.

When I was 7, a girl got picked on for something she didn’t do. I didn’t know who she was because she usually sits for lunch alone. The people who picked on her were those who shared their lunches with me. Though unlike most of my them I felt the need to say what I knew was the truth. I defended her. The next day they became friends with her and played together during lunch. I had lunch alone that day.

When I was 9, I didn’t have a bicycle. However, all my friends did. So they invited me out for a ride out, I bet it didn’t occur to them how I should catch up with them. Run, they said. I did. I ran, I ran until I fall. And when I fall, they didn’t stop and help me. Watch out they said, as if they couldn’t steer away, they cycled on my back. Are you ok, they asked. I’m fine, feeling the pain in my back.

When I was 13, I was waiting for a friend. We were going to have lunch at my house. I was playing with her phone while she was showering. A message came in, I shouldn’t have read it, I know. She’s so ugly, it said. Why would anyone like her, it said. I was wondering who “her” and “she” was. I shouldn’t have been so curious, maybe then I wouldn’t have to think about it now. But I found out “her” and “she” was me, I brought her to my house after knowing that anyway.

I’m not holding a grudge. It’s just, I don’t know. I never realized the times I’ve been made a fool of, taken advantage of, lied to. I don’t blame them. They made me the person I am today. A better person than they ever were. I just pray they too would become better.

Then I got older. A little wiser. Better.

Although as better now than then I am, contrary to popular beliefs, I am not as strong as how people who have come to know me currently expect me to be. Undoubtedly from all those experiences I had, the walls around me should have become metal. Though they’re not. They’re still bricks. They have always been bricks. Back then no one would think I even had a barrier, to begin with.

Back then I thought by making everyone your friend, you’ll be safe. Nowadays, when I make friends, I get picky. For most people, I might be their friend, but most of the time they may not be mine. I thought it was easier, to categorize people and put them in different sections. I didn’t think it would hurt. Don’t worry, I got a bittersweet taste of my own medicine when someone I see as a friend doesn’t see me the same way. Anyway, just because you don’t see people as your friends, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be nice to them.

It just means that I don’t want to care about too many people because the burden would be too great for me to handle. Like I said, I’m not that strong. So I choose my battles wisely. This also doesn’t mean that I live in my own bubble and that I don’t care about anyone else, I grew out of that. It just means that when other people do affect me, the emotional and hormonal part of my brain would not interfere with my logical sense.

It’s like listening to people dying of hunger, soldiers sacrificing themselves in wars, children bombed in a fight that was never theirs. I don’t cry but I swear that my heart dies, every time. They affect me in a way that I’ll go to sleep thinking about how the world can become a better place. Crying over things is alright, but latching yourself onto it, attaching yourself into it, that kind of attachment is just deadly. Especially if you’re doing nothing about it.

It has never been about turning bricks into metal. But knowing a more strategic way to respond to a threat.

And because I know all of this, I always felt like I have to save everyone that I care too. To make sure they always know how to guard their hearts and prevent them from getting hurt. It made sense to protect them. So when someone I cared very much placed her heart in a risky place, I was infuriated. When you see your friend walking near a cliff, you pull her back, that was what it felt like.

I blamed her for being too open with her heart. Too vulnerable. Too naive. She said she would be okay, she would eventually learn to distract herself from it. I wondered what exactly she was distracting herself from because humans are selfish, when someone dies, we cry because we miss their presence. However when someone leaves without a memory, what do you cry about? Memories that weren’t made? I feared for her because how affected she was by someone she never truly known. I wondered what it would be like if it was someone close.

Another friend of mine broke someone’s heart. The boy held on for more than 2 years. It was astounding. I could have never done that. I punch myself in the face before I get the chance to even like someone. Even after months of not talking, he still said he would wait. Unlike my friend, he wasn’t walking towards the edge of a cliff, he was clinging onto the edge of it already. With one hand. But I didn’t care about him, he wasn’t a friend of mine, he was a boy who should’ve known better. I wished he had, he wouldn’t have been so badly hurt when he found out my friend finally placed someone else in her heart.

The truth is, both of these people didn’t need saving.

I have just become so obsessed with this idea of keeping my heart out of harm’s way. The idea of keeping everyone’s hearts out of harm’s way. I didn’t want any more rope slipping into my nose, I didn’t want to be having lunch alone, I didn’t want to have my back as a bicycle track, I didn’t want the girl who told me I was nice calling me a bitch behind my back. But I couldn’t have known all of these if I hadn’t gone through them.

Once in a while, our hearts need the pain so that it could heal, learn and rebuild.

Sit tight, This is a long ride. Part II.

‘Where’s the part I?’ or ‘Wow, she got a new theme’ either one of these would probably be the first thing you wonder when you read the title. Well, part I was what you can call…confidential, so, you’ll only be getting this. It featured too much cursing anyways. As for the theme, I’ve been wanting to change it into a different kind of vibe for a long time but I was attached to the old one, then one day, well, today, I just thought, to the hell with it.

Before I start, there’s a poem I’d like to share with you. I don’t usually share personal things like poems but I just find myself writing a lot these days. I was about to type them out but that would be hypocritical of me since the poem talks about handwritings. You’ll know what I mean. In advance, apologies for my unreadable handwriting.

PS: You’re not supposed to spell handwriting with an s.

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I’m not going to make an epic analysis on what it is about, that’s not the point of this post, actually I’m just dumbfounded as to how I’m supposed to start this post. Fun fact, the last time I wrote so many poems I was probably 13. Most of them don’t make sense, but my hands itch to write things that rhyme and sound sophisticated. I don’t write beautiful things, I’m not an aspiring poem writer or whatever. Well, time passed, then I just didn’t write anymore. Then a few weeks ago I wrote a couple out of the blue. It became my remedy. I had a few remedies lately. I’ll get to that.

By the way, happy new year, guys, can you believe it’s two months into 2018 already? Me neither. I don’t want to say ‘oh wow time sure flies fast’ because that’s a fact we have all been known. My reaction to this fact is sort of like talking to the wall and staring blankly at it like, ‘huh’.

Anyway, this post has been way long overdue. Let me just shorten things out:

  1. Last December my semester break ended, college was starting again.
  2. Last December I also went on a 2-week Europe trip with my family.
  3. Last December I did not just leave the country, I left everybody.
  4. Last January I got back, missed 2 weeks worth of classes as you can already guess.
  5. Last January I had to sit through exams for 3 weeks.
  6. Last January I was happy.
  7. Last February I started writing poems again.
  8. Last February I cried everyday and everywhere.
  9. Last February I thought I needed to see a therapist.
  10. Oh look, it’s March, hey March.

New Year resolutions are not my forte. It used to be back when I was fourteen but as the years go by I realized each list I made started and ended with blank boxes, there was just simply no point. I think you should start fresh when you actually feel like starting fresh. Not that there is anything wrong with new year resolutions, or people who have quotes like “No Pain No Gain” as their wallpaper. They are good motivations, but for me, it’s the kind of push that doesn’t really do anything for me. I need a shove, or even more than a shove really like a punch in the face.

How has the new year been going for you? I wish it’s going well. For me, well, I have recapped the whole thing for you already. So, you get the gist of how it is. I actually was going to make my first post of 2018 two weeks ago, it’s not supposed to be this one but I was not in a good place at the time. I made this whole lengthy explanation including a detailed timeline of why I haven’t had the time to write and how bothered I am with the-fact-that-this-world-sucks-and-life-is-temporary-so-nothing-really-matters-so-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here that I’ve just become so miserable. Reading it again I am both thankful and intrigued by the fact I managed to be intelligent enough to not click that ‘Publish…’ button.

Let’s go through the list one by one, firstly, regarding the Europe trip I went on last December, that would make such a great blog post, won’t it? It was all I could think about even before I left, what to use to take great pictures, the outfits, what pictures I should take and reminding myself to write down notes every single day on what happened so that I could write about it. However, if you read my recap, you would also notice I had exams for 3 weeks after I got back, so I haven’t had the time to properly write about it. I will though, I will, I will.

Although, examinations were not the only thing that kept me from writing about that trip. Now we move on to the second point, I said ‘I didn’t just leave the country’ and that I also ‘left everybody’. What I meant was that I (not literally) dropped a bomb and left before it would blow up. Saving myself and sacrificing everyone else. Selfish, I know. What happened was I gave away both my positions to other people. I didn’t even do it properly, I kind of just left one day. I talked to those that needed to be talked to and that was it. They didn’t even have the time to talk me out of it because by then I would be away for 2 weeks and things need to get started. So, I made my exit and they let me be.

I didn’t even have the time to feel sorry, by the time I was just jumping from one country to another. It was heaven.

When I got back, it’s literally plummeting back down to reality. Was my burden lifted? Very. Though my ‘I-do-not-care’ act doesn’t last long because sooner than that I can’t look at the girl who took my position without thinking that I gave up and put all the weight on her shoulders seeing how miserable she was knowing I couldn’t take back what I did.

I also couldn’t look at my own best friend whom I took to the battlefield knowing I abandoned her when she didn’t want to be there when we first got there together. I couldn’t walk without having my head facing the floor in fear of meeting with anyone I should meet but preventing myself from doing so.

My 2 weeks of paradise was waiting for me to pay the bills, obviously. They’re not cheap.

Then came the breakdown aka bullet point number 7 to 9. I’d like to get into the details, but it’s just a normal breakdown. Though, after a week of crying incoherently at any time of the day wherever I was, here’s an interesting observation I made: you can cry in a crowded room and no one would notice. Like open crying, tears running down your face and all that. The only rule is that you don’t make any sobbing sound. I was just plain miserable. My friend doesn’t say anything sometimes, she’s the only one who notices and just hand me a tissue. The first draft contained all the details of the said breakdown, hence you can understand why I can’t publish it.

Now, let’s get to the remedy part I talked about earlier.

BEGIN

REMEDY I: MUSIC

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think everyone thinks their own taste in music is the best. Though honestly, I have such good taste in music…See? So, how was music my remedy? It’s no figure that music is one of the best things there is to stabilize your emotions but at one point, I started going to class with earphones, maybe it was normal for some of you, but for me, no.

I would wear it to class, during class and literally the whole day without taking it off. I turn the music off when class starts and as soon as it ends I turn it on again. Nobody spoke to me, that week the headlights on my forehead just screams ‘Stay Away’. They obliged. Most of the time when I’m walking with them, I don’t even realize that I’m already a couple of feet away from my friends. I was just trying to disconnect myself and really try to keep my social life to a minimum.

The only words that came out of my lips were vowels, ‘uh’, ‘ha’, ‘oh’. I was also listening to very depressing music, so depressing that even my friend who romanticises fictional stories regarding cancer and goes to bed reading stuff that normal me would probably throw in the trash for being so sappy says herself that it was just too sad for her to hear ‘like gosh Alison what is wrong with you? This song makes me feel like I had 10 cats and all of them died at once’. Well, she didn’t exactly say that but yeah.

So, sometime around that week which featured Remedy I, I had to present something in front of the class and I usually do fine but I sounded so dead that everyone looked me as if a cat was dying in front of them. Even I was shocked over how lifeless I sounded. Also, I had the wires of my earphones hanging out without it being connected to anything but just my ears.

The truth was I wasn’t trying to block anyone out, if it is anything, I was more or less trying to block me out. The thoughts I have more specifically. This is depressing, let’s move on.

REMEDY II: POEMS

A week later, I was just writing poems. Period.

If you walk pass by me, you would think I’m aggressively texting somebody with rage but I’m just adding more notes on my phone. Writing poems is not easy neither is it hard. It’s natural. It comes when it does and after that, it just goes. Sometimes I write, sometimes I don’t. It’s like having to pee, you pee when you have to, and if you don’t, you just don’t. You can’t force it out of you unless you drink like a massive amount of water. For an instance like me, I went for months and months without writing but then one day I can miraculously write 5 poems in a day. They’re not good, I think. They’re ok.

I already shared one with you, what do you think?

I mean I like reading inspiring quotes online, or sayings and nice lyrics. Lang Leav is good but there’s something that irks me about the fact that they’re not mine, it’s just me honestly. So, whenever I feel things, I like to put it into my own words, I think that’s the meaning of the poem (is it? a poem? I don’t know, I’m not a poet, lol).

Ok, don’t criticise me, let’s continue.

REMEDY III: BOOKS

I’ve been going for a long time without reading, and even when I do I have preferences. Like sometimes, I’m into the whole sappy romance cliche drama so I buy books like that. Though books like that are like milk, you can only drink so much of it before you get sick, and then I’m more into things that aren’t too sappy, though good ones are very hard to find. Sometimes I’m into action and sometimes sci-fi, I’m open to anything really, what matters to me the way the story is being told, so the writer plays a huge role.

After my writing period ended with my last poem which sounded like, “The words sometimes flow like the river, Other times like a fish without water,” It felt like shaking forward an empty pen, there was nothing left in me to write. So I started reading again, which apparently, in this age is such a pain in the ass since books are so expensive than they used to be, then again, isn’t anything else as well?

I spent a good amount of time scrolling through Goodreads and Kirkus Reviews to pile up my list of ‘Books I Should Buy’ to find out that I am inevitably getting older and John Green isn’t any more capable of entertaining me like he used to. Though, I do like his Youtube channel, CrashCourse. At the same time that I wasn’t anymore into my usual young adult cliche fiction, I was also not ready to venture to adulthood where fictional books are serious and I-don’t-get-a-word not that I’m stupid to comprehend them, I’d probably be already half-asleep already to understand them (If you do have recommendations, don’t be scared to leave a comment).

So I ended up buying some usual young adult fiction with twist and drama and I have one more left to read. The first I bought was called One of Us Is Lying, it was an eh for me, not really what I was looking for at the time. The second was Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, so this book, I bought because I watched the movie, and I loved it, I loved it because it’s so unrealistically realistic whatever that is supposed to mean. It is said to be a not-romanticised version of The Fault In Our Stars but honestly, TFIOS was so overrated. This was just as real as it can get. I recommend you to read it as long as you’re heartless as I am.

The last book would be A List of Cages, which I am pretty excited to read, hence, I’ll just go read that now.

REMEDY IV: MOVIES

I just noticed that I placed these in the wrong order, this remedy should’ve been second, or first really, not fourth. Anyways, I’m so, so, so much into movies lately. I’m not kidding like I’m literally movie geek level of being SO into movies. It’s not ‘oh I’m watchin’ a lot of Marvel movies and I’m soo into watching movies’ like Marvel is good, no offense but with the Oscars coming up, I just started watching around seeing how these movies are award-winning and I am blown away. I love movies. I love it.

That’s pretty much all that I can say about it.

FIN

Remedies, honestly these are just distractions. At least they make me feel okay again.

By now you’re probably thinking,

‘oh wow, this is her big life problem? what an overreaction like there are people dying oh my god why did I even bother reading this’

Or on the other hand you’re very supportive of me and all like ‘she’s still growing, her feelings are valid, she’ll learn soon’.

The thing is, I hope you do notice that I mostly shared on what I do to feel better, I did not mention bullet point 7 to 9. If you have been around here for a long time, you would remember from a certain post that I don’t want to share any depressing post. There was only one time I broke this rule.

Truth is, or should I say, obviously, life is complicated. You just learn something new every time. Even when you do you just keep on making mistakes. Though trust me, I haven’t even told you half of the story of what happened. I don’t think I will. It’s one of those kinds of experiences and fears that you just need to go on your own to understand.

Okay, that’s it, catch ya later.

PS: REMEDY V: WRITING A BLOG.

The Beginner’s Tale of Trains.

The difference between writing by hand and typing on a keyboard is that of course, on here, it’s faster, less hand-cramps going on, but the downside is that I’ll be thinking of the side things that I’m publicly anxious of like are my sentences well-structured? Is my grammar correct? (which I’m sure they aren’t most of the time) Should I care who’s reading this?

On the other hand, when you write in a book, with a pencil, the way I prefer it, It’s like fluid…flows continuously, non-stop and I love my hand-writing. No matter how much everyone hates it.

IMG_3130
“Oh no, twisted curved handwriting monster”, as one of my friends/crushes said it. But really, it’s much more beautiful than this most of the time. Really.

Which got me thinking, who am I writing this blog for? Someone asked me this a few days ago, I said me. Since I have always needed some sort of outlet where I can talk about what’s going on my head, I overthink about everything all the time, so much I can’t just keep it in me. Then, why don’t I just stick with the journaling?

100% because of the hand cramps. I’m kidding.

Well, 70%.

I don’t go out of my way just to tell you about the new book I bought yesterday, or what people made me feel on the other day, or what I’ve been going through the week and just end it there like they’re details I’d like to keep track of whenever I’m looking back to memory lane. I could do that easily on my journal. It’s more than that, I feel like there’s always some kind of mistakes done which equals to lessons to be learned, and those conclusions that I come up with sometimes, I’d like to share them.

In a way, this is for you too.

Anyway, I was looking through some journals the other day since I’ve used up all the pages of my old ones, cursing the unreasonable prices, went to three different places which felt like a thousand miles difference between each of them (by feet, and I haven’t walked in like 3 weeks) to only realise I liked the first store just fine but by then my whole body was aching.

And now, I can’t stop thinking of that one journal I didn’t buy.

I was hanging out with a close friend whom I haven’t met in 5 months, it was amazing. Even if we hadn’t met for the last 5 months, she’s the one who’s ever really been there for me. Okay no, I need to start giving all my other friends some credit too. I love you all, my friends. She’s now super skinny, braces-less, and more importantly, a girlfriend-to-be. Me, well, I’m that book nerd with exposed bunny socks who keeps ushering her to every bookstore we pass through.

We had a really fun time, we had lunch over awkward conversations, watched a movie where we constantly woo over Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth (yes, it was Thor), went to probably 4 different bookstores (just because I feel like it), and we also went to an arcade. Attempted to embarrass myself by playing those dancing-stepping games, shoot basketballs which I’m surprisingly better at than I thought and carrying heavy fake guns. It was good.

I mostly asked her about her boyfriend, she mostly avoided any boyfriend-related questions and we mostly switched between holding hands and intertwining arms since it looked weird, not that I care.

IMG_3129

I went back by train alone that day, which was definitely a first. I should also mention, apart from that first time I played bowling when I was 6, I don’t really have beginner’s luck. Hence why, my train token thing slipped out of my hand when I was about to pass through those crab-like entrances (does anyone have any idea what they’re called?) and I’m greatly anxious of those things, no kidding, I’m just constantly thinking of the unlikely possibility of it closing as I get through it and it crushes my hip. I know, Einstein, they have sensors, but still, it’s kind of scary.

Then, after successfully catching the token that was rolling away from me and passing through the entrance, I waved goodbye to my friend as I made my way to my platform with the other platform right in front of me and right when the other train arrives, I noticed I was at the wrong platform. I was supposed to be on the other side. Ran down the stairs, ran across the hallways, ran up the stairs, all while calling/blaming my friend, I’m pretty good at multitasking. I arrived just as the doors were closing. It closed right in front of my eyes. I laughed to myself, settling down on the waiting chairs.

“I never get the platforms wrong, it’s you again”, my friend texts.

5 minutes later, it arrived and I stood at the corner as I got in, anxiously since it was my first time. Observing people, wondering why I have so much stuff in my hands and why my bag is so small that I can’t stuff everything inside. My hopeless romantic daydreaming self also got to work imagining a scenario where my crush suddenly was on the next stop and we would shockingly look at each other’s gaping faces thinking it’s fate. Of course, that didn’t happen. What happened was on the second stop, a bee-bug-fly thing got in and flew around the train, spotted me, and harassed me.

“See, it’s totally you”, my friend texts.

It was totally me. Me with exposed bunny socks among professional men and women heading home from work.

I also suspect the bee-bug-fly thing can detect who’s afraid of it the most.

I wasn’t scheduled on heading home for another 3 hours though, my mom was still at work. Since I am a penniless typical girl whose body was aching from the walking she’s done all day, the bookstore was the only place to be. I really like bookstores, I have always been. So I was alone, wandering around, with what felt like all the time in the world.

I usually have a time limit in bookstores, so I used to just googled which book I should read based on the recommendations on Goodreads. This time, it felt like I was 13 again, alone in a bookstore, going through each book and having no idea which to buy, ending up buying all of them. However, the economy is bad, and books aren’t as cheap as they used to be. One of the workers there was heavily suspecting me since I made around 20 laps around the place, probably wondering why I don’t just go to the counter and ask for the book I wanted.

The thing was, I had the time of my life. I cursed, commented, mostly talked to myself the whole time. Ended up buying a book after an hour and half. Typical, teenage fiction, love story, just finished it today actually.

Well, that’s all about it, it was also my 18th birthday 3 days ago. At 18, my friends are finally converting from public transportations to getting their own license. Me, from riding in my parents’ backseat to riding a public transportation for the first time.

Great.

P/S: I’d like to tell you one thing that actually happened that day which was super interesting and hit me in the head like lol you. We were searching for a place to have lunch, went to the mall directory, walked what feels like a hundred miles, saying no to each place and at the end I said, “You know, let’s go to the food court, they have everything,” as I said that, it occurred to me that I do exactly the same with my life choices.

“I don’t know, law? accounting? economics? local? private? let me just take a science course during my pre-university days so that my choices are still open for degree”.

It’s literally the same thing.

It is just the way it is.

Did you miss my writing?

A little narcissistic but I’m counting on it.

Before I fill you in on a lot of things, let me tell you one thing I’m actually happy about today: the fact I bailed on Instagram.

Initially, it’s because I had my finals going on and I pushed myself into being really serious about it. As a result, I deleted a distraction. Instagram. I’m never really the type to believe that ‘oh I’m never using social media for the whole month or ever going out of the room hence why I’m going to ace this exam’ but, I have always hated Instagram a little. Here’s the thing though, now that my finals are over, I don’t feel like downloading it again. It honestly feels much more freeing to be without it, which is something I didn’t thought it would be. So, take it from me, being without Instagram is amazing, well unless you have an amazing life and selfies to project, I have nothing against that. For me, someone who isn’t really pleasing to look at and spends most of her time doing basically nothing, Instagram is just useless. There’s no point in feeling miserable about your life while hoping for others’.

The weather these days are usually cold, rainy and cloudy. Which is like the best thing ever because I’ve always feel like sunny days screams “Be happy and excited about everything!” and I’m a vampire, I don’t have fun in the sun. Guilty. It is super heavenly especially in the mornings, but incredibly impossible to wake up to. Though, I love it, and because I love cold, rainy, cloudy mornings, I prevent myself from sleeping on them. It’s more fun to experience it. Maybe this was why I loved staying in Boston so much back then, the States had many cosy mornings which feels a lot like home. I’m wearing sweaters a lot too since the last few days, like super thick ones. Hand me a tea and a really good book, that would be great. A break from a very stressful past few months.

I know , I know, even though I’ve been preoccupied with a lot of things, and I didn’t have the time to write, that wasn’t just the only reason I have not been on here. I also didn’t write because I’m just going to be writing too many depressing things. Those kind of writing do not belong here. I’m better now, a lot happier and I also feel like I should start writing on here again. So, I’ll just write on what has been going on lately, are you ready to read on the ordinary stressful life of the ordinary girl transitioning into a young woman?

First would be of the many things I’ve applied myself for early on when I first got into university. I thought I could do it, taking on any burdening work that crossed my path and act as someone I’m never used to being, taking on new challenges. It took a toll on me and only resulted in sleepless nights, unhealthy state of mind and I’ve been sort of emotionally unstable lately. It scares me, especially since I’m supposed to be working on it again right now, and more next year, knowing I have to go through all of it again. I have never been an active person who speaks a lot and work a lot and do things, so after experiencing it, it’s all just so exhausting and I’m sad I’m unable to back out now. Too late for that.

I can do things once I’ve put my mind into it, don’t get me wrong but some people just have it naturally in them, you know. You usually see it in school, there are those who always take part in any social activities and they seem to always have everything sort out, then you have those who just follow blindly or either retaliate and prevent themselves from joining because it doesn’t affect them anyways so-what’s-the-point?-of-joining kind of people. However, being in this position have given me the chance to meet many types of people which just constantly make ask myself ‘why do you even try?’ because they succeed in making me feel pointless in everything that I do.

I know, it’s cool. I’ve been there, I’m used into being those kind of people and I’ve never really known what it is like on the opposite road. I’m thankful for the opportunity to learn what I told myself that I would, but then it occurred to me that maybe I’m not that kind of person, I’m just not strong enough. My place is somewhere else, not there. So many people have been looking at me as if I have my life pieced up together when I really don’t.

Not only that, one of my best friends is getting a boyfriend. If it makes me feel any better there’s like 5% chance left she would not. I don’t think she reads my blog much since *whispers* she’s not a big fan on reading. Doesn’t stop me from giving her books on her birthdays for the last 2 years though. I’m that one friend. Anyways, I really don’t mind but it just feels weird, especially since her best friend is a very unrealistic hopeless romantic who easily falls in love with any fictional character and has extreme trust issues. That’s probably why she hasn’t been telling me anything until I told her to, yeah. Did I overreact? A lot.

I got over it though, it’s not a big deal. Just the fact I have no idea who this guy is or what he’s even like and I’m worried also since I feel like it’s my job to look out for her in a boy-situation. I’ve had too many experiences which made me put up all the walls around me, which is also why I won’t be walking along her down the dating path any time soon. Moreover, it’s different if the case is she’s dating the guy she has been crushing on, the thing is she’s accepting a boy who’s really into her. Everyone knows how the scenario would be if that’s me, explains why no boy ever asks me out.

However, I’m not in any place to prevent her from dating. She should get the experience, I think. It would be crazy for me to not say it’s bothering me that she’s not texting me as much as she would though, preparation for adult life for me. I’m going to live a very long lonely single life with my cat probably.

Finally, like I’ve said, I have just gotten through with my finals, guys. If you’ve been with me from the start of my writing history on this blog, you’d be proud of me at least. Well, I’m proud of me. First semester of pre-university, check. Though, I don’t have any kind of an anchor still. My mom is convinced I’m wasting my time and she’s all up for dropping and transferring me to some twinning programme on an accounting course. To be honest, I’m cool with either staying or leaving which sucks because it’s quite transparent from there that I have no idea where to go. Am I still stuck on this topic I’ve been at for the last few months? Apparently, yes I am.

So, see? My life is not really in place, it’s not perfect but it’s a learning progress and I’m trying my best to catch up with it. It will never be in place. Not many people know that.

If you don’t know me in real life, let me give you a preview of what your first impression would be like if we met. “Oh look at her, I bet she’s super cool and arrogant and all her friends are cool, she must have a cool boyfriend and she must be cool”, well, at least that’s what people said when I asked them what their first impression on me was. Then, I just laughed since I’m seriously not cool, I make super nerdy jokes these days, I’m usually the sidekick, I never had a boyfriend because I have extreme trust issues, hence why I may have a hundred friends but will never tell any one of them what is going on with me, I even failed getting my license and hey, I don’t even have my own credit card yet. Everyone is out there, they’re already one step away from being an actual adult but I feel like I’m the only one stuck in 17. It’s depressing really.

I’m getting better.

I need to stop punishing myself for taking life in my own pace, trying so hard to catch up to other people. If you read the whole thing until here, and you feel the same way that I do, I hope you know that that thing you’re searching for that you have absolutely no idea what, you will find it. It’s just very important to not be so hard on yourself and to not give up.

And, I promise next post would not be so long. Pictures it is.