To be okay with the things you’re not okay with.

I vowed to myself that the content of my blog won’t contain me being sad or sound even a little bit depressed. Especially because I’m not the kind of person who loves to openly display my vulnerable side to the public. Also, my blog worth is to make the people who read them find hidden meanings in the things I write so that it would mean something to them, to you. Share fun experiences and give them(you) some kind of inspiration. But this post will be going to break that rule. Just one post.

I’ve been holding it in for quite some time but there are so many things that are currently tearing my insides out. I always tell myself, ‘you can control yourself and how you feel, if you’re sad, it’s what you, yourself chose to feel’ but I’m just fooling myself. I just have a myriad of things that I’m not okay with but I’m pushing it down my throat, swallowing everything and trying to be okay with it. How I’m trying to make other people feel special and I don’t know my own place in this world. How I’m trying to be something by branding myself to the people I’ve met and the places I’ve been. How someone with something less than me is getting more opportunities than I am. How I can’t even do one thing right. How I always seem to fail in every single little thing I do. How I’m trying so hard to make other people happy and they still don’t appreciate me, I don’t know. How no one understands what I’m feeling. Or saying. I bet you didn’t.

Simply, these days I feel like I’m struggling to breathe. Like I’m drowning and I’m down to my last breath. And to keep that last breath, the only thing I can do is keep quiet and stay still when I’m desperate for air. I’m suffocating and how is that anyone’s fault when I said I’ll be okay with it. Maybe I don’t know I’ll be drowning. “The water’s deep, but I can swim!” Confidently I say, gosh I don’t know, I’m trying so hard to be okay with things I’m definitely not okay with. I’ve been the floating boat for many people who has been lost at sea but now that I’m the one in the water, how come I see no boats I can depend on at all. I tell people that you’re under no obligation to feel happy when you’re not, I tell people that the only way to heal a bruise is by pressing on it more but I flinch by just grazing my own.

It’s funny how the least of things is the one which made all the other burden feel so bad. I failed my driving test by the way. It didn’t pain that much to fail. It’s just a driving test anyway, I would be repeating it in a few weeks and I would probably, eventually get that license. Although, do you remember the kind of scenes in movies or cartoons, where they would pile up things into a mountain. The pile of things would be towering tall and it would sway left and right. However, it never falls. Like those cartoons you see, at the end, you’ll have this one small and weightless cherry on top of it. Then, at that time, everything tumbles down. This was my cherry on top.

But bad times pass, and this too will pass.
I hope.

Sincerely,
Alison with swollen eyes and a tub of ice cream.

I’m back and home.

It feels like a lifetime since I’ve written anything or check up on my blog but honestly, it’s only been a week (and two days, okay) since my last post. So, don’t freak out, I’m still here I’m ultimately in an unbreakable bond with this blog. Although, I feel like this is what it’s going to be like once I’m in university and finally have my schedule packed, however, I’m still here with nothing to do so, prepare for your daily posts. Actually, I thought I would be posting and writing a lot more since it was my first time traveling ever since I’ve started blogging but I failed. I was too invested in everything that was going on every day and too exhausted by night to write anything so yeah, I kinda failed myself. It’s alright, I’m just going to summarize my Dubai trip in this one post. Yes, I’m home.

The second night of our stay in Dubai was exciting because my mom had dinner with her boss and staff which led her to the leave me all alone *drumroll* at the cinema!!! I’ve never even watched a movie alone back home, let alone overseas. So it felt quite epic. Also, I didn’t tell you how my mom brought me out for a morning walk around the JBR area and it felt so nice. JBR stands for Jumeirah Beach Residency so there’s this tall buildings people stay at and it’s right in front of the beach. Before you get to the beach, there’s like small blocks of building, not more than two-storey which are restaurants (mainly, there’s more than 10 different restaurants) and small shops. It was peaceful since it was a weekday, so people were going out for work and I got to see kids waiting for the school bus.

Dubai has that luxurious feel you know.

Everyone else’s plates looks green.

This is what the small blocks of building look like from my hotel.

The next day we were supposed to change hotels because we were in the marina area (near the beach) and my mom wanted to be in the city for the last day. However, my mom left for work that morning so I’m left alone to check out of the hotel myself. No, I’m kidding, she had her assistant to help with the luggage and bring me to the other hotel (I was watching a drama in my bathrobe when she arrived). So, I checked out of the Hilton in the afternoon and then rushed to the city center of Dubai where you’ll see the towering Burj Khalifa, and my hotel was located next to it. It’s called The Address and it’s very luxurious, it’s where you’ll see all these rich pak Arabs in white clothing and women in black everywhere but there, the more you cover up, the richer you are.

My mom leaving me for work :’)

Burj Khalifa!

The Address.

My mom’s assistant who brought me so much assistance.

My mom’s assistant brought me out for lunch at the Dubai Mall, and little did I know, Bella Hadid was there but I did not see her, I didn’t even know she was there at the time. I only knew the day after that. I’m not her fan but I’d very like to see how she looks like in real life honestly. Later in the evening, my mom got back from work and brought me shopping at some outlet stores to buy gifts for my dad and brother. After that, I went home and my mom again has a dinner with her staff and I’m again in the hotel room, in my bathrobe watching movies.

The next day was our last day in Dubai, well, actually we were supposed to stay for one more day but on that one more day I have an interview back home. Our flight would leave at 9 pm on Friday and guess what, the interview is on Saturday sometime around the afternoon. Also, I have a driving class on Sunday. Which explains the whole eye bag thing that’s going on right now. So that’s all I have to share, not much, but I will be having my driving test next week and oh, I’ll be going to a showcase this weekend, which is something I’m very excited about. Wish me all the best for the driving test, I hope I’ll pass and get my driver’s license soon so I can finally drive myself to McDonald’s drive-thru.

Coffee and Disney. My usual morning.

And of course, clouds.

P/S: If you were here because of the very attractive and mouth-drooling pasta, I have one thing to say: Mission accomplished, I’ve reeled you in.

Second time in Dubai.

My preferences on flying:
1. I like taking offs. I don’t like landings. No matter how many times I flew, my ears would still hurt when the airplane starts to descend. The pain never got better, I just learn how to ignore them better.
2. I like window seats. I can take nice pictures of the sky and who doesn’t like the sky? Night or day. Aesthetic.
3. Although, I prefer night flights over day ones. On day ones, you can’t really open the blinds for a long time, I mean you could but you would interrupt other people. Also, your eyes would hurt because of all the light.

You can say I’m quite used to flying. I’ve traveled many times and I’m thankful that I’ve had many opportunities to travel. Although, this would be my first time flying to the same place twice. I’m in Dubai currently, the first time I’ve been here is actually four months ago. However, I’m here because of my mom, she has a business project going on here which means I won’t be doing much sightseeing.

Funny story, on Monday, my mother and I got to the airport at 3 pm, I think and had lunch at the airport. We went window shopping while waiting for our flight which was going take off at 7 pm. At 6.30, we rushed to our door which (we thought) was C6 but when we got there, we were at the wrong door which was C5 and our door was on the other side, so we had to make like a huge U-turn and when we got to door C6 another thing happened. Something was clearly wrong because the door is for the flight to India. Checking our boarding passes again and damn, how wrong we were. Our door was C27 which was all the way across from where we were *facepalms*. Nothing ever goes smoothly I swear.

Anyways, after I got on the plane, I was excited to know I got the window seat. I like taking pictures of sunsets but the sun set before I was flying and it immediately turns dark once I was in the sky. It was also very cloudy so I couldn’t see stars. Usually, I would watch movies but after they served dinner, I plugged in my earphones and dozed off. My mom watched Arrival though, per my suggestion and she said it was boring (okay, I have to rant here, many of my friends said that the movie was boring too but why x100000. It was a really great movie and I love Amy Adams come on, people). When we arrived in Dubai, it was midnight and my mom went for dinner (again) with her friends while I stayed at the hotel.

The next day, I tagged along with my mom to her office which is located at the Jumeirah Lake house Towers. She placed me in an office, alone, fully equipped with stuff to entertain me: food and my laptop. Here’s the full summary of my day, soundlessly screaming and squealing watching Cheese in a Trap (k-drama, do me a favor, and watch Park Hae Jin successfully ruins your current bias, unless your bias is already him) while my mom is in the other room, having a meeting. I was there for the whole day, literally from 10 am to 8 pm. She was tired on the way back, so I didn’t pressure her into taking me out. She slept while I stayed outside at the balcony watching people walking on the beach, having drinks at the cafes downstairs and writing my blog.

Me, a very hardworking person doing my job.

My kind of work.

And today, my mom is working again, I expected no less, she’s going to be back in a few hours to take me out for lunch. She gave me money in case I want to eat at one of the restaurants outside or watch a movie, which is very very very near. I wish the cinema at my house was this near honestly. It’s like a one minute walk from the hotel. However, I don’t think I’m able to do it, go out alone I mean. Also, winter (not snow, of course) just ended here and it’s quite hotter than the last time I’ve been here, the sun is scorching and everyone is at the beach sunbathing. While I’m in the room: air condition-bathing. I was at the balcony just now and a crow flew in (it was bigger than I expected a crow to be) and I was scared because as it neared me, it looks like it was going to peck me with its beak but he stole a packet of butter and flew away. That’s it for today, I guess. Until next time.

p/s: So before I arrived in Dubai, my father called me. He said I shouldn’t have said that my gift for SPM is my cat (which is what I’ve been telling a lot of people). You’ve had many opportunities, he said. In less than five months you’ve traveled three times, he said. My parents got me a new phone, allowed me to have a cat and my mom bought me a necklace, honestly, they’ve given me a lot of things. What I didn’t tell them is how in the three times I’ve traveled, two of them were before I’ve gotten my results and even now, I’m here because of my mom’s business trip. I didn’t tell them how my phone and my cat appeared in my life way earlier than my results did. They never specify the things they gave to me, with a box or with a card. They just give, and I order them starting with the one I treasure the most. Why I always tell people that my gift was my cat. I realized that’s just it, you know, the thing with getting and having everything. You never really know which is which. Whether it is you’re giving or at the receiving end.

 

 

One last goodbye to my high school life.

I was back at school last Monday because I had to attend this ceremonial award event and I felt grateful that I got to attend. I really am grateful because I’ve only been wishful thinking (and also studying hard) so that I would be one of the people who would be there. To be surrounded with so many amazing people, but honestly, there are much more who weren’t there because they weren’t considered ‘qualified’ but passed with flying colors that I believe should’ve been there as well. There were others who probably had gotten one B+ but solid As for everything else that was should’ve been there as well but I understand the circumstances, they would probably have to invite almost all of my batch mates. With just us, it was already almost 200 people.

I had one problem though, I didn’t have anything to wear. When you’re a boarding school student and a girl. Most of your baju kurung have been worn during prep class and everyone has recognized it already. And also I don’t have proper formal heels. Which led me to a chaotic rendezvous with my mother on a Friday. Fast forward to the day of the event, I arrived an hour late but on time. Maybe too on time, you may say, 5 seconds after I was seated the what do you call, the official guests (? I don’t know) made their way to their seats up front. Many of my friends were there already (and most of my friends weren’t too, which made the situation less lively) with Piya in front of me and Fairuz two seats away from me. Here’s the thing, when I saw Fairuz I wanted to shriek loudly because our color coordination was so similar it was meant to be.

COLOR COORDINATION THOUGH

Everything felt so different and familiar at the same time. The Malacca song, our school song, and most importantly, the MARA song. Things were more melancholy when I realize it was probably the last time I would be singing them. It made me wonder about the last 2 years I’ve been forcing myself to just go through ‘one more day’ every single day. My first memory with boarding school isn’t a sweet one. It was bitter but it taught me a lot of things especially about me. I’ve learned to accept the various kind of people who piss me off for having the light on at 2 am and keep myself shut but having to wait until they do turn it off so that I finally sleep peacefully, the people who borrow my stuff but never lend it back but I forgive their annoying act anyways and many more.

Everything from having to;

• Wake up at 5 am because I don’t want to queue to take a shower in the morning.
• The Subuh rollcalls (which I swear sometimes I wasn’t even half-awake, more like a quarter).
• The patience I’ve built for lining up in the iron room (which I sometimes give up, to the hell with wrinkled clothes).
• The please line up according to your please demands we never answered (my friends and I and half of the female population in that school because we’re rebels who look like angels).
• The walk to class and my class is awesome because it’s tiled so you have to take off your shoes (yet not so awesome because some of my socks have holes).
• Freaking out with my deskmates over mathematical problems we couldn’t solve.
• Failing to fall asleep in class even when I’m sleepy because I couldn’t hold in my laughter looking at my other classmates who were trying hard to keep their head up (HAHAHAHA I still laugh about this whenever I think about it alone).
• Recess time or should I just call it another one of Teacher Aniza’s class (our additional mathematics teacher) because you’ll usually find our classmates there instead of the cafeteria (which ends up to be worth it).
• The walk back with my girls to our dorm.

I could tell you more, I could tell you about having to rush for lunch because we have another class in the evening, and also all the time I ditched and l sleep in instead. The times I need to line up (again) in the iron room for prep class at 9pm-11pm and the times I hide from the the ones who are in charge (how the vice prefect sits next to me in class) and also the times I’ve gotten caught. The times I sleep late at night and you might be thinking now, wow how hardworking but haha, no. I just can’t sleep with the lights on so I end up being the last person falling asleep. Not in the room but the whole block because even though we’re placed with four people per room, our walls don’t attach to the ceiling so you can peek into other people’s room. So yeah, even if it isn’t one of my roommates, I still can’t sleep. However, I’ll stop now. It’s time to stop reminiscing about the past and not because I don’t want to but I’d probably be writing a novel and I don’t want to waste your time.

That’s probably the last time I ever step foot there, I guess. Until next time.

da fam featuring papa’s baby bump

What excites me is the cheque at the back >.<

This is Sabrina, the 9A+ girl that I’m so happy to call a friend. I’ll be more happy to have her brain. And her face. 

Fun story, when I went for the outfit hunt on Friday something happened. After I was done, my mom usual hunger for clothes arose so I have to tag along in the back carrying 3 boxes of shoes, bags filled with clothes and also, some baked cheese tarts I bought. As my mom was switching clothes in the fitting room, in front of the mirror, my legs gave in. I dropped all the bags and sat on the floor of the store, somewhere in the back where no one is around. Thinking that my mother would probably take a longer time, I thought of having another cheese tart. They were so good and I was craving already. However, I didn’t give in and stood up, not because I was embarrassed or whatever but I didn’t want to rush in case my mom was done unexpectedly.

This is a picture I found on Google, sorry I had too much fun eating that I forget to take a picture of it. That’s how we’re all supposed to live anyways, don’t you think?

Here’s what happened, exactly 10 seconds after I had my ass off the floor, I saw two people rushing to the place I sat. A freaking cop and a saleswoman. By the time, I was two clothing racks away from there and the saleswoman was looking for something but when her eyes landed on me, she snarled. That was when I realized, THEY WERE LOOKING FOR ME. I freaked out and ran away, I almost got told off by a freaking cop, can you even imagine? I’m just a mere exhausted 18-year-old who wants nothing but a cheese tart. The saleswoman could’ve advised me for not sitting on the floor or something but calling a security over? Thank god I made the decision to be patient and eat the tart at home. Okay that’s all.

Happy Place

These days I’m going through a lot of happy times and too many of sad times too. Both at the same time. Funny, isn’t it? I thought it was fun, it brought some colors into my dull life. I mean after going through nothing productive for a few months, you don’t go through many happy times and you don’t go through many sad times. My whole range of color is so empty that all I see is gray. But these days, It’s all a splash of colors that I’m getting colorblind.

I never expected life after high school to be as hectic as it is right now. I thought going to sleep without having to worry about unfinished homework was everything I wanted in life but dang, wrong. My brother’s little antiques that annoys me more than it ever did for the last seventeen years. I want to chase him away to boarding school because please he doesn’t know how to live without the internet. I have friends who are still my friends and aren’t anymore at the same time. I have spicy ramen (which got me into an episode of frequent visits to the toilet the next day) with milk for breakfast. I’m not even normal anymore.

I have a psychometric exam tomorrow, and a scholarship interview to attend next Saturday. Here’s the thing, I’m not sure if I want the scholarship (in the case if I get it). I’m hesitating on going because one minute I’m sure, and then I’m not so anymore. Of what? of the future. Again. I’ve been answering quizzes on which course I’m better suited for but tell me how am I supposed to know when one says I’d make a good doctor and the other says I’d make a good lawyer. ‘Ask yourself’, ‘What’s your passion’, ‘Find out what you want’. Knock, knock. Myself tells me to figure it out myself.

Because of all the uncertainty and confusion is going on in my head, I’ve been taking it out on everyone. I’m frequently crying and get angry and honestly, I’m just really far away from what you would call a happy place but it is unlike what you think, I’m not too far to the opposite where you would call a sad place either. I’m far away from there too, I’m somewhere far in the middle of happy and sad. Here, all we want is to understand, The thing is I’ve been stuck here ever since a long time. I’ve acted all fine and I even wrote a poem about it promising myself that things will eventually turn out alright. I’m not so sure now. I’m so worried and confused yet at the same time, hopeful of what the future holds for me.

To anyone with a clear vision of what they want to do in life, you’re very lucky. You really are. I’m confused of what I want, of the people around me, of many things and all I want is to indulge myself in huge tub of ice cream and just not think. I’m so messed up.

I’m not going to let you leave with a depressingly confused ranting teenager so here’s something I wrote for myself back when I was 17,

You are seventeen,
You think that maybe,
It’s time you finally,
Understand yourself better,

However the time had passed,
Now all seems so worthless,
Cause it feels like,
You’re further than where,
You had started,

But that’s okay,
I say,

The people you grow up with,
Are different then,
You once remembered,
But remind yourself that,
You are too,

But that’s okay,
I say,

The things you sought out for,
Are nearer than you expected,
But remind yourself that,
They might not be what,
You initially expected them to be,

But that’s okay,
I say,

You can want anything in this whole world,
If that’s what you want to,
But remember,
Your wants and needs are different,
You can dream as high as the sky,
There’s no limit in the universe,
That could stop you,
But remind yourself,

There’s more to life,
Instead of locking yourself in your room,
For 12 hours straight,
Forcing flowers to bloom,
In the middle of the winter,
Worrying about one moment of your life,
When you have countless more,

Because a time will come,
You’ll finally understand yourself better,
People have changed,
But they are still the same,
You’ll find out the things,
You needed,
And realize it’s fine,
To not have the things you wanted,

Things will be okay,
I say,

One day,
You will find yourself,
Right where you’re supposed to be,

Home is being with the people you love; I’m never really home.

Being in a neighborhood isn’t anymore what it is like back then. I moved here 3 years ago but more than half of the time I spent it in boarding school. So, I’m still familiarizing myself with the surrounding and the people but there are rarely any people around here, to be honest. In my old neighborhood, there are people I go to school with every day, walk with every evening, grandparents who treat everyone like their own grandchildren but it’s difficult to find that here.

However after sitting at home for months, here’s what I realized, the only time you’ll see people outside are in the morning. I can’t begin to tell you how crowded it is. I’ll stay out up in the balcony and look out to cars trying out different roads to get to work faster, using the same kind of navigation app, parents changing their children clothes to send them to school, urging them to be faster, rushed breakfast and just mainly cars everywhere. People trying to get somewhere and everywhere. And as the morning ends, I’d stop looking out the window and go back to my usual place in the living room where I realize that both of my parents weren’t there. They were also outside in the morning, in cars, trying to get somewhere.

I think I hit a sore button a few days ago when my driving teacher asked my dad whether I could make it to class on Saturday. Tick tock tick tock. No. “All you do is sit at home anyways, you’re not doing anything, every day is a Saturday so what’s the harm of another day?”, my dad said and he was right. I was certainly free and have nothing to do over the weekend, no plans whatsoever. I have been at home doing nothing and he was right. Then I said it. “Because Saturday is the only day papa, mama and daniel are here, at home, with me,”. Here’s what I imagined, my dad, laughing because I seem like a helpless child. However, he was startled. All he said was a small ‘oh.’ And he quickly canceled the class for me. We didn’t talk after that.

But wait, that isn’t my point. All these above isn’t me complaining, I’m just stating. In between of my parent’s ridiculously packed schedule, they do try to make the time. It might be short but they try. That’s enough to make me happy. I can’t stop the fast-paced globalization of our generation, eventually, there will come a time where I’d have the same problem sooner or later in the future, I guess. And maybe the later generation will adapt to it better and find parents being at home as something rare instead of normal.

When I was younger I remember this one time when I was playing near the terrace of my school just outside of my class. All of my classmates were inside, there wasn’t any teacher around. I was 8, I think. “Why are you here crying all alone,” a voice asked. That was when I truly realized that I was crying. But I don’t deny it, so I replied, “They’re teasing me for being ‘rich’ and I don’t know whether that is a bad thing or not,”. Ridiculous, now that I think about it.

I wasn’t sure whether people thought highly of me because it felt like they were underestimating me. Here’s another rich kid, getting anything she wants in life. I wasn’t sure whether that was supposed to make me sad because the only people whom I think would be affected by that mere indication isn’t me. It’s them and also my family. Because simply said, like the teacher replied after that, “Sweetie you’re not rich at all, I’m pretty sure I have more money than you do. However, your parents are and that gives you a privilege”. He ushered me to go back to class after that.

It’s just that life is like that, every rose has its thorn. Yeah maybe this kind of people who are born with a silver spoon in their mouth gets everything they want (sometimes not, trust me) but everything has its own sacrifices. Their parents sacrificed time and effort just to make sure their children are able to sleep at night without being hungry, to be happy and much more. Many people overlook that. Thus why as I get older I always talk about my parents with my friends without putting the limelight on me because I want their efforts to be respected and recognized. Not me.

I have friends who are going through these kind of expectations of other people.

Whether it is you have very busy parents but get the things you want or not get things you want and have a happy family or you have both, always try to see the light of things and be grateful. Don’t assume happiness out of everyone, everyone has their own different kind of hardship that they have to go through and each one of them is valid without either one being worse or better.

And I do have a happy family, they’re just not home sometimes.

I could post a better picture but that would be too nice of a sister of me.